You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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