Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
