Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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