These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
