someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
MIDGETS
????
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
