Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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