I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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