Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She bit a glass in half.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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