just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
