i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
