I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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