ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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