ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
