I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
