i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ketchup is God's man juice
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
