Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
