Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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