Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
