I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
