Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I could make wine with my vomit
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
