got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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