I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
