You can't special order awesome
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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