If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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