I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
