You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
