Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
