Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
