I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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