remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
