dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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