Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
