So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
