Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
