The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
