last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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