i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
