I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
