At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
