I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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