At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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