I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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