im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize