Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
