all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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