I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
