I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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