"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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