Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
