If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
