No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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