I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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