Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
