Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
