I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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