I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
